TERRORVISION
1986 Cowritten and directed by Ted Nicolaou (also co-written by Charles Band!)
A.K.A. The reason "Monsters HD" is only available via satellite.
PlotToday we once again peel back the veil of time and reflect upon a film I recall with hazy memory from my childhood. I remember for a brief period seeing this film repeatedly on late night cable tv, yet never finishing watching it. To my horror and delight, Dame Fortuna has once again grimaced in my general direction, and refreshes my memory by dropping this flick in my lap. I knew as soon as the chamelonic "Empire Pictures" logo came on the screen, that I was in for a treat. After all, the company whose internal structure reformed into Full Moon Pictures couldn't be that bad, could it? Well, that's my opinion, so screw youse all. Anyhow, the movie opens up on "the Planet Plutarch", at the lifeform-waste-disposal-area where an alien dude is messing around with one of the ugliest monsters ever to grace the screen. It looks like a cross between Toxie, a dog, Slimer, and the Flesh-Monster from "Akira". Oh, and it has one eye on a tenticle that closely resembles the trash compactor monster from Star Wars. The alien dude somehow zaps the thing into energy that shoots off into space. Then we meet The Puttermans, a typically lame mid-80's, nouvea riche family. Mom (Mary Woronov! ) is an arobicizer. Dad's addicted to his gadgets. Granpa's a war nut who even has his own bunker, and is the biggest influence on younger child, Sherman (who some with sharp eyes might recognize as a young Chad Allen, later to become better known as the older son on "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman".) There's also Suzy, the teenaged metal-head MTV addict.
Dad's newest gizmo is a do-it-yourself satellite tv kit. As he and the salesman try to get it to work right, a lightening bolt comes out of the sky directly into the dish. Holy Cow! But-hey, the TV's now working just fine! They get all the movie channels, and even "Channel 69" as Dad Pervishly displays. Later, while setting up the incredibly complex remote (I swear, it's bigger than a keyboard,) the Tv starts shooting red lighting and chroma key effects about the room. Then it suddenly stops, and the channel lands on "Medusa's Horror Theater". Medusa is like a dirtier version of Elvira, ("one look at me, and all the guys turn rock hard" she quips at one point) and Sherman and Grampa convince Dad to leave it there, and button down for an all-night Monster-fest. At this point, Suzy's new boyfriend, O.D. shows up at the door. The parents insist on meeting the metal head before they leave. In a twist of KOMEDY, he turns out to act like a perfect gentlemen while introducing himself to them.
Next comes a bit of dialogue that I shouldn't have heard while I was eating: Suzy: Mom, can we use the Jacuzzi tonight, please? Mom: Not tonight, dear. Your father and I might be swinging tonight! Cue my comedic spit take and face-full of food. D'oh! Also from this point I started noticing how non-kid-friendly their art decoration choices were. Later, Gramps and Sherman get bored with "Robot-Monster" (seriously, that's what's on the screen) and Gramps tries to change the channel. The same elctro-magic thing happens again, and this time ends up with close-ups of that handsome fella we saw in the opening. They leave it on him, thinking it's another creature feature. Unfortunately for them, the monster just kind of sits there and does nothing. Luckily, the TV fixes itself and goes back to Medusa's broadcast. Cut ahead to our two brave soldiers fast asleep in front of "The Giant Claw". The TV goes all zappy and the monster actually pops out of it, and proceeds to curiously grope the old man and the boy. They wake up and scream, scaring it away. In a sort of reverse-scooby-doo mindset, Gramps assumes it was really a robber in "one o' them howl-o-weenie masks". At this time, the satellite guy comes back to work on the dish, and the boys immediately assume he's the culprit. after they are done interrogating him, they head back inside. Cuddlepus, meanwhile, zaps out of the tester tv, and apparently eats the salesguy off-screen. Grandpa goes to investigate, and runs into Precious, who's killing method is odd. First, it grabs Grampy in the head with its crab-like claw, which cause green goop to leak out of him faster than you can say "Nilbog", then it sticks its tongue out (which looks like four or five hands stuck together, paired with a second, human head sized mouth that works ala alien) and rips off Granpa's head with it. Sherman's no dummy, and hightails it back to the bunker. He tries to call the police, but they think it's a prank and hang up on him. (apparently Sherman has issues and has pranked the cops before) He then hears his parents driving up, and heads out to meet them. Good thing, too. The monster was just zapping out of the tiny TV sitting behind the phone. Following Mom and Dad are a nice couple they met somewhere. Obviously Mom was right about swinging. Sherman shows up and acts the pest that noone believes, and mom marches him off to the bunker. During this we see what looks like gramps' head form out of the monster's tongue, which allows it to fool mom into thinking that everything's alright. So mommy dearest has no problems locking her father-in-law and her son inside the bunker. With a padlock and chains. Okay, it's confession time. As a little kid, I your brave reviewer never made it past this point in the film, which led to crazy ideas on my part. For example, I assumed that Monstro couldn't actually walk, and only teleported from TV to TV. I also got freaked right the hell out, because at the time, when I stayed at my Dad's house (which was invariably where I saw this) I slept like 8 inches away from a little black and white television. I was SURE that this blobby menace was gonna come out and eat me in my sleep. The funny part is that so very little scared me as a kid. As discussed in a different review, Night of the Living Dead made me the zombiphobe I am today. Also, when I first saw Nightmare On Elm Street (the first), my little 5 year old mind was pretty scared for a day or so. And then there was Terrorvision. Looking back, I really can't give a good reason why this film freaked me out so much, but boy did it. In fact, the movie is primarily silly for a good chunk of the remainder of the film. I really don't have the heart ot spoil the fun for those of you out there who haven't seen this yet, so I guess I'll leave it at that. |
RatingI give Terrorvision:
Four Rotting Shambling Corpse out of Five. |