ATTENTION!
That image down there, that's a GUN in her mouth. It's not a smutty picture! Why the heck does it keep coming up as "Sexy" on image searches from the middle east?!? JUST STOP IT!

SHATTER DEAD

1994

Written and Directed by Scooter McCrae (yes that's his real name)

A.K.A. The undead can be so droll.

Plot You know, sometimes I'll see a movie, and it'll be so bad, so sub-par, that I find myself wondering how come I haven't made a movie yet. It's certainly not a lack of resources, as I know several nearby no-budget film companies, and plenty of volunteer acting-persons at my disposal. Then I remember that I would rather not use all my time and effort on something craptacular that noone will care about. (though that hasn't stopped me from making this website...) Obviously, the makers of "Shatter Dead" did not have these particular pecadillos. The film takes place in a barely post-apocolyptic future, where the dead just won't stay dead. They're not flesh-eating zombies, or mindless walking corpses. They just stay animated and cogniscent, despite obvious signs of deteriorization and the occasional bout of Rigor Mortis. Apparently this was all galvanized by the angel of death making love to some woman or something. The ange of death being in this case an extremely well endowed she-male with wings. We center on Susan, a woman simply trying to keep her life together. As she goes home from town on a supply run, dodging dead panhandlers and their ilk, she gets car-jacked by an odd cult of post-death weirdos. Jerks. She eventually makes her way to a halfway house of the living. There, she meets Mary, who convinces Susan to let her share her shower and soap with her. Then, Mary accidently reveals that she is in fact dead, but good at faking it. You see, she wanted to use the soap to disguise her death stink. Then, rather abruptly, the dead cult break in, and start killing the people in the house. Susan ends up escaping, but just about everyone else gets unrealistic gore treatments. I have a funny feeling that the special effects crew didn't actually have any idea how the physics of anatomy or ballistics work. Oh well. Susan finally gets home to discover that her boyfriend, Dan, got too depressed while she was away, and slit his wrists. This was a stupid way for him to go, as he already knew he wouldn't die, so what was the point? To make matters worse, since he no longer has any blood fow, he no longer has any "funky flow". Susan is too horny to care, and comes up with about the most bizarre scheme EVER. She takes her gun, and straps it to his groin, and starts having crazy gun sex with Dan, which we see in shockingly graphic detail. Trust me, that's not sexy. The movie continues on in this same track of pointless gore and mindless philosophical pontification. I assure you that it's not interesting. What is interesting, however, is the fact that this movie has such widespread distribution. I think that this fact proves that the most talented crewmember didn't spend time behind the camera, but instead behind the desk.

Rating I give Shatter Dead Zero Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Though the film has a minor ammount of originality and potential in the way it humanizes zombies, don't see this film. Make your own instead. It can't be any worse.

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