SATURN 3
1980
Directed by John Barry (initially, uncredited) & Stanley Donen
A.K.A. How Choco got "Video Vixens" up over at Surfin Dead
*Guest Reviewed by Deeky Wentworth of The Surfin Dead
PlotI really resent it when a movie confuses me in the opening scene. Young Captain Benson (Harvey Keitel) has just been turned down for a commission as a space pilot, deemed "potentially unstable." Instead of finding another gig with the outer space civil service, he shoves his pal Captain James out an airlock and steals his identity. Before anyone is the wiser he’s taken over James’ mission as advisor to some farmers out near Saturn. I never quite understood why Benson was so intent on visiting this farming operation on what is commonly referred to as the asshole of the solar system.
I also didn’t understand why Harvey Keitel’s voice was overdubbed by a 60 year-old Englishman. The farming outpost is manned by Adam (Kirk Douglas) and Alex (Farrah Fawcett), a pair of intergalactic lovebirds and new age hippies of a sort. Their operation seems to consist largely of growing ferns and raking up rocks. If Earth’s hunger problems are dependent on this, we’re sure in trouble. Upon arriving, Benson begins to assemble a robot (or "robut" as Douglas calls it) he’s brought with him. He informs the farmers that once the robot is properly trained, he’ll aid in the farming. He also says they’ll only need one other person to maintain the robot once he’s left. In other words either Adam or Alex will soon be obsolete. The key component of the robot, named Hector by the way, is his brain. He has an actual living, organic brain; it’s stored in a glass tank. The flaw here (aside from it being stored in glass, which seems kind of fragile to me, but hey, this is the future, so maybe it’s special shatter-resistant space glass) is the only way to program it is through direct neural uploads. That’s Benson’s job for the next three weeks.
Unfortunately, Hector starts picking up some of Benson’s personality quirks, like his lust for Alex, oh, and that part where he likes to murder people. Things get out of hand when Hector assaults Alex, perhaps intent on have his robotic way with her. When his plans are interrupted, he nearly kills Benson and smashes up the greenhouse. Adam immediately orders him disassembled, and he and Benson must wrestle with the giant robotic beast and unplug his brain.
Too bad Hector can still communicate with all the machines around the complex. He has them reassemble him late one night, and from there everything goes from bad to worse. Okay, so this might seem like an interesting, if not slightly stupid, film. It’s not. It is painfully dull, hampered by a script that refuses any sort of character development, and features stilted performances from the cast. Seriously, when a robot out-acts your three leads, you know the film is a real turkey. |
