ROBO-VAMPIRE

1988

"Directed" by Joe Livingstone

A.K.A. Robocop: Special Vampires Unit

Plot Wow. Words fail me at the sheer brilliant, beautiful, batpoop insanity on display in this film. It actually appears to be two films in one, a practice from the 70's & 80's that's more common than you think. Usually, an American or European filmmaker will take a Hong Kong or Phillipine made generic action film, inster their own second plot into the action (usually involving white dudes in pink headbands that say "NIN-JA" on them), do some mild reworking of the dubbed plot, and watch the money roll in. Joe Livingstone took this routine, and smoked a whole pile of crack. The plot centers around a drug-dealing international cartel. We get some good ol' fashioned Chinese vampire action when a couple of the lackeys of the cartel are messing aroudn at the workplace of a Taoist wizard. For those of you who don't know, in China, vampires are a little different than their western counterparts. They all dress in robes and rounded hats, and instead of walking, they hop with their arms outstretched, zombie-style. The quickest way to halt their attacks (and usually the only way) is to use a sheet with a Buddhist prayer written on it, sticking it to their forehead and freezing them in place. However, the thugs don't know this. Zaniness ensues. Eventually the Taoist comes in asaves the day. Then we learn their big scheme: The cartel is using the priest's monsters as undead mules to transport the drugs. That's right, they're smuggling drugs INSIDE vampires. Oh, by the way, don't worry about that wet feeling your ears. That's just blood seeping out. You'll get used to it by the end of this film. Trust me. Mr. Mojo then decides to prove he's up to snuff by showing off his newest project, some sort of super-vampire. Inexplicably, he has a green gorilla face. I guess that's why he's "super". Before we can see the-uh-demon in action, the wizard gets interrupted by the appearance of a ghost-lady all in white (she's even caucasian!) who incidently is apparently unaware of how sheer her robes are, as it's obvious she forgot to wear underwear today. She's crazy-mad at the witch-doctor because uber-vamp used to be her paramour. They couldn't marry because he had racist parents. (no naked Gaijin for my boy!) But that doesn't matter now, because it's fightin' time! (cue techno music) The super-vampire and the ghost start a-brawlin'! See such crazy crap as the ghost's toilet paper attack and the vampire's extend-o-grip! After injuring the ghost, her rabbit shaped tatoo is revealed on her inner thigh (cue record scratch) and suddenly vampy remembers his old flame. The pouty Taoist agrees to marry them on the condition that they both work for him. Now he has two monsters for the price of one! Meanwhile, the cartel is being investigated by the CIA (or the DEA, or the ATF, or...something. Heck, I don't think they ever even get named) S o they send a strike force out to get the magic man. Too bad machine guns are no match for regular Chinese vamps. Then super-vamp pops up and starts shooting roman candles out of his fingers! needless to say, the good guys don't fare well. In a completely blase way, one of the agents proposes turning the leader of the force into a "cyborg-like android" and immediately gets approval without question. I like how this group works! But now it's time for...plot B! See, these agents are undercover in the cartel, posing as missionaries that are at stops on the smuggling chain. The bad guys figure them out however, and kill a priest and kidnap a nun. So it's time for an elite team of agents to go in and rescue her... Okay, enough about that plot. We really don't care. It's time for why we're really here... Robocop versue Vampires! Incidently, Robo-Clod looks like his costume was bought at the Halloween USA bargain bin, and he has absolutely NO aim whatsoever. To make matters worse, as soon as he shows up, the badguys blow him up with a rocket launcher! Easily the best scene in the whole movie, if not in ANY movie. So much for the beta-test run. While Mr. Machine is off getting upgraded, it's time for some romantic interludes: The task force leader and the girl they picked up along the way have some frolicking fun in a lagoon. If you look in the water, it's obvious that they're both still wearing underwear, however. Which is, of course, the opposite of Ghost Lady, who starts her honeymoon with the mega-vamp by doing some bizarre keep-away dance, where I think it's supposed to look like she's walking through him, not around him. It doesn't. However, just as their about to make the nasty, Robo-dude 2.0 shows up to kick ass and chew bubblegum. But robots can't have gum, it screws up their servos. He'll just have to settle for a big brawl with the two monsters. Get ready, this fight is the craziest part of the film yet! It's a real shame that the subplot is so bland. Otherwise this would be the greatest film of all time. As it stands, it's barely less ludicrous than "Drunken Wu Tang".

Rating I give Robo-Vampire: Four Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five.

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