CURSE OF THE QUEERWOLF
1988
Written and Directed by Mark Pirro
A.K.A. the more homophobic "gays as a metaphor for werewolves" movie
PlotThe movie starts with a person in lingerie being chased by a group of men with torches, and a priest. Eventually, they catch this person, and impale them with "Something" (too dark to see). We then cut to one day earlier. Larry Smallbut (pronounced small butt) is a man who just can't quite settle down. Though he lives with his girlfriend Lois, he still feels compelled to go out to strip bars and go cruising for chicks with his buddy, Richard Cheese (heretofore referred to as "Dick" ). Despite this, he is starting to lean towards just staying home with Lois, and settling down. The next day, Larry has a fight with Lois about the whole situation, and accidently backs over his own dog. While they're at work at the addiction therepy section of the local hospital, Dick convinces Larry to go out again, despite his better judgement. We also see Dick blunder an eating disorder therepy session by electrocuting the patient. That night, Larry and Dick pick up some girls at the bar, and go over to Dick's for some fooling around. The girl Larry paired off with is the one killed in the opening. As they're necking, Larry gets bit accidently by the girl, Paula. Larry also discovers that Paula is actually a man. About this time, the men with the torches bang down the door and ask if Paula is there. Paula runs away, of course. One of the men asks ferverently if Larry had been bit at all by Paula. He denies it. The man then explains that he is Paula's father, and that Paula is a Queerwolf, aka a Dickenthrope. Manly man by day, transvestite by the light of the full moon. He also recites the ominous warning "Even a wrist that is strong and firm and holds up straight by day may become limp when the moon is full and the Queerwolf comes your way". Coming home that night, Larry discovers that Lois bought him a new puppy, and Larry exclaims that he's never going out again, and that he loves her very much. He then has an odd dream of being cornered by inbred hicks who make him "squeeeall like a pig! SQUEEEEAAALLL!" The next morning, a story on the news explains that Paula was found dead, impaled by a silver dildo. Larry tries to play dumb to the whole thing, despite Dick calling and asking about it. Larry also decides to take the day off. While talking with Dick on the phone, he gets angry, and denies that Paula was his girlfriend, while slamming the knife he's using to make breakfast into the table, and apparently into the new puppy. We then cut to Dick filling in for Larry, helping a man addicted to cigarettes. He's interrupted by a detective from the Homo-cide department of the police (Homo-cide is the dept. specifically for murdered gays, apparently). He asks about Larry, who can't be found. The nicotine addict meanwhile is severely neglected in his room full of smoke. Meanwhile, Larry is out driving, and almost hits a gypsy, Muddyooch (pronounced quickly). When he gets out to see if she's okay, she notices that he's marked with the "pansy-gram", the five petalled flower, the mark of the Queerwolf. She says that he must come to her for help, to which he balks. That night, Lois goes out to a movie with some girlfriends, while Larry stays home with the NEW new puppy. When the moon comes out, Larry starts to transform. His nails grow long, his hair too. Lipstick appears on his mouth, etc. The next morning, he wakes up in an all-men's sauna, naked, amidst a group of grinning men. He staggers home to a worried Lois, and has no memory of what may have happened. While they're debating it, he accidently microwaves the puppy. Later, at work, he discusses the whole thing with Dick, who exclaims to Larry that he can't be a homo, because he's known him forever, and he'd know. We also get to see Dick accidently blow up a man by filling him with alchohol to the bursting point. When Larry gets home, there are tons of flowers for him, and continuous calls from men trying to get repeat dates from him. Larry, realizing what probably happened the night before, rushes to Muddyooch's for help. She explains that normal weapons cannot harm the Queerwolf, only a silver Dildo shoved where the sun don't shine, and that's fatal. When Larry asks if there's any non fatal cures, she remembers that she just happens to have an amulet that protects against the condition. It has a picture of John Wayne on it... Larry puts on the amulet, and is instructed to never take it off. That night, he makes wild passionate love to Lois, only to be inturrupted by the Queerwolf hunters. They then excuse themselves embarrassed, as Larry is obviously not changed in the full moon. Though, on a hunch, they call him the next day and say they'll take him out to dinner as apology, as the next night also has a full moon, just in case. At the dinner, they all joke a bit, until suddenly, a group of robbers come into the place and demand everything that everyone has. When Larry refuses to hand over the amulet, they shoot him in the head. Suprisingly, Larry is just fine, and remembers what Muddyooch told him, that Queerwolves can not be hurt by normal weapons. Realizing he's nigh invincible, Larry attacks and subdues the robbers. When reporters are interviewing him shortly thereafter, the amulet's chain breaks, and Larry immediately transforms into a drag queen. In the chaos that follows, Larry begins biting people, and they in turn bite others, until there's a virtual drag-fest at the restraunt! Will Larry be forced to live a life of love that dare not speak its name? Will the Queerwolf hunters succeed in subduing their helpless prey? If you think I'm telling, you haven't read this site enough. |
RatingI give Curse of the Queerwolf: 
Two and a Half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five |