PHANTASM

1979

Written and Directed by Don Coscarelli

A.K.A. A movie with a real set of balls (don't hit! don't hit!)

Plot Mike hasn't had the easiest of lives. A fter all, he's just a boy, yet he's lost both parents, leading to an unhealthy obsession with death. Pluss he's stuck being raised by his older brother, Jodie. One night, one of Jodie's buddies goes off from the bar with a mysterious woman and has sex with her in the graveyard. Faster than you can say Sharon Stone, she pulls a knife out (from...somewhere. She's naked, best not to think about it.) and kills the guy. Mike hangs around the graveyard after the funeral, and notices the very tall mortician (The Tall Man, natch) acting very strangely. He picks up the coffin singlehandedly (YOU try lifting a full coffin by yourself), sticks it back in the hearse, and drives off to the mortuary. Later, Mike tries desperately to convince Mike and his friend, ice-cream man Reggie that something fishy is going on, but they simply attribute it to his overactive imagination. When will people learn that the overimaginative kid is ALWAYS right? Somehow, Jodie ends up with the same girl as before in the bar, and Mike secretly follows them off to the graveyard, where once again, some doins is a happenin. When the girl's top comes off, peeping Mike gives possibly the GREATEST boy-seeing-boobies face EVER. Unfortunately, the moment is ruined when some minions of the tall man sneak up on Mike. These fearsome creatures are noneother than Killer Jawas. Seriously, they're little dwarves in brown robes. Mike comes running by screaming, just when Jodie was about to get some. Nothing good can come of this. Still not convincing anyone of the craziness going on, Mike decides to sneak into the mausoleum and get to the bottom of things himself. He's almost immediately caught however, and runs into several of The Tall Man's dispatched henchlings, such as the killer jawas, random dudes working for him (who you incidently won't see much of in the series), and the machina des resistance, the flying orbs (which you see a LOT of in the series). These are metal balls that fly through the air, and have swiss-army-like assortments of blades, that work like cuisinarts on anyone they run into. Mike runs into a henchman and a ball at the same time from two directions. Mike ducks, the ball meets the man, they have a long walk on the beach, and it basically drains all the blood out of his face. Mike gets out while the getting's good. Before he gets to leave however, he runs into the tall man again. Mike, thinking quick, slams a door on him and locks it. He was just a second too late however, as the Tall Man's fingers are in the door. Mike hacks them off, only to see them fall to the ground and keep wriggling in a pool of yellow blood. Like that's something we all haven't seen before. He takes a finger and stashes it in a box before taking off. The next morning, he shows Jodie the finger, and that's enough to convince him that maybe Mike's on to something after all. Then Reggie comes in, so they decide to give him the finger as well. Turns out the darn thing turned into some crazy giant bug on a string. After a few minutes of general zaniness, they cram the thing down the garbage disposal. Now is the time for action, clearly... I really hate to spoil any more of this crazy good movie, but I will explain the plot to you, as it's pretty tough to comprehend: Apparently, the Tall Man is stealing corpses and reanimating them for slave trade in another dimension. However, due to gravity constraints in this far away land, the corpses must be compacted. That's what the Jawas are. Oh, and one more thing: The hot chick that likes to do all the guys? She's really this guy: Take THAT boners!

Rating I give Phantasm: Four and One Half Rotting Shambling Corpses I'd like to point out the impressive feat by Don Coscarelli of reportedly writing this entire, incredibly original script in less than a week. My personal best thus far has been writing a 20-page short script with not nearly as much creativity in about 2 weeks. I can't imagine this much original material in such a short time. BONUS FEATURE!!! For those of you inclined to drink (I happen to be a teetotaler, so suck on that), I have created The Phantasm Drinking Games!!! Every time the effects look cheesy, take a drink. Every time the effects look good, even by today's standards, take two drinks. Every time the plot stops making sense, take a drink. Every time the Tall Man says "BOY!!" Take two drinks. Alternate "spot the Dos Equis" game! The fine folks at Dos Equis put a good deal of money into this film. They also sent far more product placement purposed free "cervaza" then could possibly be used. Therefore, to properly play this game, I suggest stocking up on the fine Mexican brew and follow these rules: Every time at least one bottle of Dos Equis is visable, take a swig from your bottle. Every time a box of the Double=X is seen, take two swigs. Every time a wall of the boxes is present, chug a whole bottle. Trust me, you'll be quite plastered if you follow these rules.

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