Go Read the Synopsis of Season One!!

MASTERS OF HORROR

A.K.A. Masters of "Tales From The Crypt"

Okay kids, I know I've been away for a long time, but to be fair, in the intervening months, season two of this sort-of-pretty-good show has been released in its entirety. There's even also a boss box set of the first season that looks like a crypt! How appropos, as the series is quickly becoming more generic for some of the "masters". Don't fear, though, as some episodes truly shine here. And aw-a-a-a-y we go! The Damned Thing Directed by Tobe Hooper (Sigh...) Inspired by the Ambrose Bierce story, this episode tells of a small town sherrif (Sean Patrick Flannery) who, as a boy, witnessed most of the town go crazy. Now it looks like it's happening again, and he needs to find out why... Hooper described the episode as thus: "Well, it's about this box with something in it, and it gets handed from person to person, and they wonder "What is this damn thing?" and, uh, that's basically the story". He doesn't really describe the plot so much as the viewing experience here. It's a confusing mess that, much like his recent straight-to-sci-fi film "Mortuary", can't really decide what it wants to be. Unlike that forgettable film, there's not a single redeeming factor to it. Not even Ted Raimi appearing as a drunk reverend and chewing up the scenery helps. Avoid this. I give "The Damned Thing": Zero Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Family Directed by John Landis George Wendt plays a man who seems mild, friendly, and an all-around nice neighbor. In actuality, he hides a deep secret: He kidnaps people, strips the flesh from their bones in his basement, and adds their skeletons to his imaginary "family". When new neighbors move in, he decides it might be time for a new "wife"... WOW! Everything I said about John Landis previously I take back! Where he tried to make funny-scary work in the last season to utter failure, he succeeds here by playing everything straight to the hilt. When not relying on comedy, the man really IS a "Master of Horror"! This is easily one of the best episodes of the entire series, and the stunt casting of Norm from Cheers as a psychopath is as much a work of genius as the soundtrack of southern gospel music. I give "Family": Four and a Half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. The V Word Directed by Ernest Dickerson Two teens, bored and looking for trouble sneak into the local funeral home, only to find trouble in the form of a vampire (Michael Ironside!) looking for them! Now puberty isn't the only thing these kids have to worry about... Dickerson is this season's William Malone. Having lots of experience directing TV, and working with creator Mick Garris (who wrote the episode) gives him an "in" into the series without really being considered a "master". The difference is that Dickerson is a good director. The first half of the episode, taking place in the funeral parlor/morgue is incredibly creepy in a haunted-house way. And the ending is quite satisfactory. I give "The V word": Three and a Half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Sounds Like Written and Directed by Brad Anderson A supervisor for a tech support department finds he has developed almost super-human hearing abilities. Haunted by the death of his son, he slides through the stresses of his life, such as bad subordinates, and a wife who wants desperately to move on from their loss by having a new child, which he doesn't. Then suddenly his ears and his mind start playing wicked tricks on him... Anderson is a surprise to the proceedings, being a rookie to filmmaking. That doesn't mean he's not qualified. This is the guy who directed "Session 9", and the similarly themed "The Machinist". He knows how to get inside your mind and rip it to pieces. This film, meanwhile, really captures the pain of parental loss and love. Recommended. I give "Sounds Like": Four Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Pro-Life Directed by John Carpenter Ron Perlman is a militant anti-abortion protester. His daughter is virginally pregnant. He believes it's God's child, she's pretty sure the father lives further south. She seeks refuge and salvation in an abortion clinic that happens to be a target of her family. And so, the clinic finds itself under siege from TWO angry fathers... Once again, Carpenter teams up with the writers that brought us season one's "Cigarette Burns". Obviously, the group is trying to be the controversial episode of the season, much like last season's "Homecoming". What results is an okay episode, with the scares quite telegraphed in advance. On the bright side, Carpenter always excells at siege situations, as he's always trying to remake "Rio Bravo". At least it's better than "Ghosts of Mars"... I give "Pro-Life": Three Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Pelts Directed by Dario Argento(!) Meat Loaf(!) is a fur coat maker obsessed with a stripper that works near him. He's convinced that if he makes a good enough coat, it'll win her over. He gets the opportunity to test his theory when he gets a call from trapper John Saxon(!) who has caught and killed some "magical" racoons that are the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Did I mention that by "Magical" I meant cursed? After hearing all the press reactions, I have reason to suspect that I'm the only person out there who actually like this episode. "Magical racoons" sounds dumb, but Argento pulls it off with his masterful eye. Also, the cast really commit to their roles. Also, the gore is fabulous. I give "Pelts": Three and a Half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. The Screwfly Solution Directed by Joe Dante Jason Priestly and Elliot Gould are epidemiologists from University of Michigan (HEY! My Hometown!) finding themselves facing a new kind of plague: Men all around the world are suddenly becoming violently murderous towards women, and killing them left and right, believing themselves to be doing God's work. Holy crap. Dante actually managed to top "Homecoming". This is probably the single most frightening and disturbing episode to EVER be on an anthology horror program, and ranks among the best horror films of all time. to give you perspective, Super Mecha Dani of Midnight Days, astro-wife, and every bit the Elvira to my Zacherly got nightmares after watching this. See this. Now. I give "The Screwfly Solution": Five Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five Valerie on the Stairs Directed by Mick Garris A new writer struggling with his first big break finds himself lodging in a halfway home for writers that haven't been published, much like himself. Soon, however, he encounters a pair of tennants that none of the other eccentric residents (including Christopher Lloyd!) seem to know anything about: A beautiful naked woman, and the demonic monster holding her captive (Tony Todd!)... Well. Garris does an adequate job of adapting Clive Barker. Tony Todd is as great as ever as the monster, and the sensuality is certainly there that is required of most Barker adapatations. The end shot is really the best part, and it would be a shame to spoil it for you. Three Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Right To Die Directed by Rob Schmidtt A man and his wife were in a car accident. While the man was relatively spared from harm, his wife had almost all of her skin burnt off. Despite the crowds of protesters, the man has been granted the right to pull the plug on her. However, in the meantime, she has flatlined and been resuscitated twice. Both times she also appears a s aghost and horribly murders someone she has a grudge against... Hmph. Schmidtt is hardly a "Master" of horror. His big claim to fame is that he directed "Wrong Turn". That he too is transparently trying to be the controversial director this season makes him all the more contemptuous. The episode is all right, but it's hardly great. I give "Right to Die": Two Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five We All Scream For Ice Cream Directed by Tom Holland A man and his family move back to the town he grew up in, and find that members of his old gang are starting to die mysteriously, bringing back memories of their childhood, and one dark moment: During a prank gone wrong, a local mentally challenged man who worked as an ice cream salesclown ended up dead. Now it seems he's back for revenge, and he's using the children of his killers to exact his revenge... When I say "Tom Holland", you probably say "who?". Well, he's had his bit of experience in the horror genre. Most notably, films such as "Fright Night" and "Child's Play". He's not a hit maker, but he IS a sleeper maker. Meanwhile, the film itself is pretty average, with William Forsythe playing the creeptacular zombie clown. It's not perfect, and the special effects are kind of silly, but then again, wasn't "Child's Play", also? I give "We All Scream for Ice Cream": Three Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. The Black Cat Directed by Stuart Gordon Edgar Allen Poe is on tough times. He hasn't yet hit the big time, so is a starving artist, having sold a poem here, a story there. His young cousin/wife (yes, it's weird) being ill doesn't help matters. Nor does her rather foul-tempered cat, who loves Edgar not at all. Will he find the inspiration to write again, or will he just succumb to the maddening pressure that surrounds him? Gordon proves here that he can make a good non-lovecraftian film. Here, he goes the "Shakespeare in Love" routine, showing Poe's life leading up to one of his most famous stories, and how the world around him inspires every single facet of his writing. Like "Shakespeare", this is full of tiny in-jokes that anyone who's a true fan of the writer will appreciate, only unlike the former film, this one has graphic head splitting. Also, Jeffery Coombs is in the role of his life, finally shaking off his image of a mad scientist (especially Herbert West) by becoming unrecognizable, capturing Poe in all his glory. If the Emmys cared to recognize this show (and I'm sure they don't,) then Coombs would deserve at least a nomination. I give "The Black Cat": Four Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. The Washingtonians Directed by Peter Medak A man inherits his grandmother's home in Valley Forge. Inside a painting of George Washington in the basement, he finds some bone dinnerware and a letter, apparently from George himself, about eating children and using their bones for tools. The letter, which has unfathomable levels of ramification on the nation as a whole, appears to be legit. However, a dangerous secret society, known as the Washingtonians wish to keep this secret buried, and will go to any lengths to do so... Medak is most noteworthy in the horror industry for directing "The Changeling", which I'm apparently the exception for when it comes to general opinion. (I think it's dull.) Regardless of his lack of experience, however, this episode is incredibly good, and chilled me to the bone. I can't look at a dollar bill the same way again. And neither should you. I give "The Washingtonians": Five Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five Dream Cruise Directed by Norio Tsuruta Jack is having an affair with Naomi. He's also in business negotiations with Eiji, her husband. Eiji has figured things out, and takes them both out onto his boat, despite Jack's hydrophobic misgivings, and haunted past. Naomi suspects that Eiji had killed his previous wife, Yuri at sea as well. Soon they will all discover that the past isn't the only thing haunting them on this voyage... Having read the source material (a short story by the author of "Ringu", Hideo Nikata) I must say that the differences are a mixed bag. Adding all the characterization to the events, such as Jack and Naomi's affair certainly ratchets up the tension, but once the ghosts show up (and behave VERY differently from the original story) it quickly turns into generic J-horror that's a major disappointment coming from the guy who made the surprising Ring 0. Meh. I give "Incident on and off a Mountain Road": Two and a Half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. And there you have it. Season Two, in a nutshell. I find myself wondering what the future holds for the season, now that it's been retooled as "Fear Itself", and will be aired in a summertime saturday slot on NBC, a known killer. Hopefully Garris and crew can continue to make the show worth watching, but only time will tell...

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