MASTERS OF HORROR

A.K.A. Masters of Horror, as well as Some Dabblers of Horror, Some Friends of the Masters of Horror, oh and A Couple Guys who Happened to be in the Same Room as the Masters of Horror

To Celebrate Two years of TISYUTUS, I decided to do something a little different. During the run of my site thus far, Showtime has been airing a little program called "Masters of Horror", the brainchild of writer/director Mick Garris. The show's concept is simple: Allow the biggest names in the genre each an hour to make whatever they want, as the premium movie channel supposedly gave them carte blanche as far as content went. If only it all went as well as it sounded on paper...but we'll burn those bridges when we cross them. In any case, I present to you all TWENTY SIX episodes, presented in mini bite-sized reviews!! Incident on and off a mountain road Directed by Don Coscarelli After a late night rural car accident, Ellen (Bree Turner) finds herself the captive of "Moonface", a mildly deformed, sadistic killer. Through flashback, we slowly learn that Ellen isn't quite as helpless as she first appears. Also, special mention must be made for Angus Scrimm, playing Ellen's less-than-comforting infantile fellow prisoner. The series starts off with a fair, middle of the road entry. Coscarelli (of Phantasm fame) reunites with "Bubba-Ho-Tep" scribe Joe R. Lansdale here. Also, Moonface kinda sets the tone for the season, as he's arguably the closest to a big scary monster the show gets in its whole maiden run. I give "Incident on and off a Mountain Road": Three Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams in the Witchhouse Directed by Stuart Gordon Based on the Lovecraft story, it tells of a college student researching parallel dimensions. He rents a loft apartment in an old boarding house that hides an ancient evil, with aims to draw him under its spell. As usual, Gordon takes Lovecraft's material, adds sex and modernizations, and leaves a satisfying taste in the mouth of the average Lovecraft Lover. In this case, he adds background details to fill out the smaller characters, actually improving the story in the process. Outside of the character of a young mother and the identity of her child, not to mention the obligatory sex, Gordon crafts what is arguably the single most faithful Lovecraft adaptation yet. Certainly a lot better than the Karloff vehicle, "The Crimson Cult" which is also based on this story. I give "H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams in the Witchhouse": Four and a Half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Dance of the Dead Directed by Tobe Hooper Based on the story by Richard Matheson, this episode takes place in a post-apocolyptic world where the dead stil walk...barely. Four youths on a joyride go to a seedy nightclub where undead are paraded out onto the stage and shocked with cattleprods in order to "dance" spasmodically. Sigh. Where to begin? This is, without question, the low-water mark for the entire series. First, Tobe Hooper has unfortunately not been the master of anything besides Dr. Pepper since he made "Lifeforce" twenty years ago. Next, Richard Matheson Jr. is the playwrite, basing the story on his father's work. RJ is NOT NOT NOT his father, and people can't quite seem to get that through their heads. Finally, as a note to ALL filmmakers: try to make a plot we can understand, and/or characters we can at least care about, or just don't try. The ONLY redeeming feature in the film is Robert Englund's scenery chewing. I give "Dance of the Dead": One Half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Jenifer Directed By Dario Argento Based on a story adapted by himself, Stephen Weber(!) stars as a cop who takes in a feral woman after killing her would-be killer. It doesn't take long, however, for the woman (who is possibly the world's best definition of "Butterface") to make it clear why the previous man nearly did her in... This is quite the unique episode. The gore is over the top, as is the sex. Argento is in top form here, and this is quite possibly his best work since "Opera". Recommended. I give "Jenifer": Four and a Half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Chocolate Directed by Mick Garris Henry Thomas plays a man who one day, out of nowhere, starts experiencing the senses of a woman he's never met. Eventually he becomes obsessed with her and attempts to seek her out, despite her own attempts at running from the law. This episode started out great, but sort of fizzles out at the end, becoming totally anti-climatic. It's a shame, there was some great potential there from Garris. I give "Chocolate": Three and a Half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Homecoming Directed by Joe Dante After making a facetious remark about wishing he could hear what the fallen troops have to say about the war in Iraq, political pundit David Murch (Jon Tenney) finds his wish coming true, in the form of zombie soldiers rising to vote... Wow. This is the big one. The episode EVERYONE talked about the next day. The best way to make a socio-political statement in film has always been to rely on genre-filmmaking, and Dante delivers in spades. Also notable this episode is Thea Gill (Queer as Folk) as a very Anne Coulter-esque character, and Robert Picardo in full Karl Rove mode. Watch this one. I give "Homecoming": Five Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Deer Woman Directed by John Landis Brian Benben stars as a bored cop stuck in the "Animal Crime" division (my apologies to the ASPCA) who finds himself investigating a bizarre set of crimes: Men go off with a sexy woman, only to beound dead from what appears to be a deer attack, usually in a place a deer wouldn't be able to get to... Okay, a pet peeve of mine: Outside of this show, Landis' experience in horror is like, two an a half films ("Thriller" is not a film, dammit) while the rest of his career is in making you laugh (oh, and killing Vic Morrow and two illegally hired Vietnamese children during "Twilight Zone: The Movie") At least the funny parts of this are hilarious. Plus, he makes up for my peeved attitude next season, as you'll see... I give "Deer Woman": Two Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns Directed by John Carpenter (duh) A cult-theater owner and part-time film detective who's a little down on his luck is hired by Udo Kier (!) to find a film that, according to legend, causes madness and death for all who watch it. As he delves deeper into the dark underbelly of cinema, the movie's hold on him and his sanity starts to tighten... I personally love the sort of meta-fiction that this film presents. Carpenter has already proven he can do it well with "In the Mouth of Madness" and he only continues here. It's always a treat when the crap-shoot that is a John Carpenter film comes up sevens. I give "John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns": Four and a half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. The Fair Haired Child Directed by William Malone After an accident, Tara finds herself in what seems a hospital, but is quickly revealed to be the home of a pair of kidnappers (played well by William Samples and Lori Petty.) As she gets to know Johnny, her amnesiac cellmate, the truth of things slowly and horrifically come to light... Why is William Malone here, you may ask? Because Mick Garris LOVES him. He always keeps him under wing, and keeps giving him chances, that's why. Expect to see the same Malone trademark "generic monster shaking its head too fast" shot he uses in ALL his films. Okay, we get it. It looked cool in House on Haunted Hill, but not here. Find something else to do. At least there was a small detail I liked: I'm fairly certain, while it wasn't named, that the Necronomicon was in this episode. I give "The Fair Haired Child": Two Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Sick Girl Directed by Lucky Mckee Angela Bettis plays an entymologist who recieves a bug in the mail she's never seen or heard of before. However, she's a little distracted by the quiet girl that takes lunch in her work building's lobby every day, played by Erin Brown (AKA horror/skinamax superstar Misty Mundae, using her real, "legit" name) who just so happens to be mutally attracted to her. As their relationship blooms, Brown's character gets stung by the mystery bug, and she begins to...change... McKee's inclusion in the show seems a surprise, considering the very little output he has had (at this time, his second feature has only very recently been released on home video) Despite the episode not being particularly scary at all, it's still pretty darn good. Oh, and Bettis and Brown are just so darn CUTE as a couple! I give "Sick Girl": Four Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Pick Me Up Directed by Larry Cohen Fairuza Balk finds herself playing the mouse in a game of cat-and-cat between Walker, a hitch-hiking serial killer, and Wheeler (Michael Moriarty! ) a truck-driving serial killer psychopath, both of whom have their sights set on her... What can I say? It's Larry Cohen. It's Michael Moriarty. Of course you'll enjoy it. I give "Pick Me Up": Three and a Half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Haeckel's Tale Directed by John McNaughton Ernst Haeckel is a scientist in his own antiquated time, obsessed with the idea of conquering life after death. While on a trip, he encounters a traveling salesman who seems to know the secret. He later finds himself a member of the proverbial "Farmer's wife" story, staying the night in the farmhouse of an old man and his young wife, and their unseen yet loudly heard infant. That night, he learns the hard way that the dead should stay dead... Of anyone to direct in the whole series, McNaughton seems the least likely, having not made a foray into the genre in over 20 years. I also hat to point out how this has yet again illustrated why Clive Barker decided he was the best man to direct his work with "Hellraiser". Anything that made the original story good is wsted here. At least there are zombies to lighten things up. I give "Haeckel's Tale": Two Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. Imprint Directed by Takashi Miike Billy Drago stars as a 19th century man who travels to a Japanese brothel looking for the concubine he once upon a time fell in love with. Not finding her, he instead spends the night with a mildly deformed girl who tells him her own history, as well as the true terrible fate of the woman he loves... This is the controversial eopisode that was never aired by Showtime, and launched a thousand angry internet letters. Showtime, balking at the scenes of graphic torture and abortion felt it more prudent to omit the excessive episode than to censor it, which of course would have went against everything the show stood for. This is Miike in top form, combining the extreme violence of such films as Ichi the Killer and Fudoh the Next Generation, while retaining the intimate sadism and surreality of Audition and Gozu. If you can stand the intense scenes of mysogyny, watch this. I give "Imprint": Four and a half Rotting Shambling Corpses out of Five. That's all for season one! Stay tuned, Season Two's summary is coming soon!

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