*Note: This review is part of the "Pass The Turkey 06" game at the B-Movie Message Board Please go there to see the rest of the game*

EVILS OF THE NIGHT

,p> 1985

Co-written and directed by Mardi Rustam

A.K.A. Too many pots spoil the cook

Plot Sigh. Once again, the turkey gets passed around, and once again, I get stuck with the giblets. "Evils of the Night" is the sort of movie that can't decide what kind of movie it wants to be. That isn't to say that writer/director Mardi Rustam isn't any good, in fact some sequences are quite great, he's just not that focused. Then again, I suppose we couldn't expect any less from the producer of such classics as "Dracula Vs. Frankenstein" and "Eaten Alive". The first shots of this film clue us into the trouble we're about to encounter. First we see an obvious model of a spaceship flying through a black velvet sheet with holes in it, then it cuts to a completely different looking fake spaceship covered in flashing lights and smoke landing in a forest. Yup, less than a minute in, and Star Wars and E.T. both have already been ripped off. Following that is some hastily slapped together credits that look straight out of a made-for-tv movie. We start out at a campground at night where some campers go off to have some unsexy, yet surprisingly realistic simulated sex. Having reckless sex? At night? At a campground? Nothing could possibly go wrong there! Nope, no sir! Faster than you can say Jason Vorhees, a pair of dudes in ski masks come in and alternatively bludgeon and kidnap the less-than-dressed rambunctious folks. Next, we open on one of guys waking up in a dimly lit hospital, where his two attending nurses, whose alien fashions indicate they walkes straight out of an episode of "The Jetsons", are more interested in each other than their charge. He stumbles upon a trio of Aliens (John Carradine, Julie Newmar, and Tina Louise!) who are discussing their plans, which apparently involve kidnapping young people and draining their blood platlets, which they use to extend their lives by 100 years. The dude then runs outside, only to be cornered by aliens who zap him with their dice-shaped rings. Cut to--PARTY BEACH! We see all kinds of hi-jinx and horny teen fun (including a random topless lesbian lotion rubdown for NO REASON) set to a song that has so much echo that it is virtually impossible to understand the singer, and we FINALLY meet the main characters. There's the engaged couple, Nancy and Ron, and their three friends, Heather, Connie, and Bryan. Heather and Connie are real airheads, and Bryan is a practical joker (try to count how many times the girls get mad at him) who oddly enough, resembles He-Man, complete with helmet-hair. Nancy and Ron are so in love that they are even tempted to elope. You would assume this was so they could get it on. You'd be wrong, because that very night they make like bunny rabbits and "make love" (none of the kids in this movie use any other term for it, despite saying it dozens of times.) Predictably, the ski-mask patrol shows up and grabs 'em. The rest of the Scooby gang assume the noises they hear to simply be the sweet sounds of love-making. The next day we meet Kurt and Fred (Neville Brand and Aldo Ray!) a couple of dumb hick mechanics who have a not-too-hard to figure out secret: They're the dudes in the ski-masks. See, the aliens have hired them to kidnap the kids for their blood serums, in exchange for gold coins. Apparently Fred and Kurt are the only ones in the area dumb enough to go along with that sort of plan. Especially Kurt. They also completely luck out explaining Nancy and Ron's disappearance, via the convieniantly plausable story that they hitchhiked off to vegas to get hitched, despite the two having no idea that the couple were honestly considering it. That night, Heather and Connie decide to sleep in the car, because of all the bugs. In there, Heather admits she secretly likes Bryan, while Connie has a thing for Prince Andrew. Later, they get awakened by someone driving the car. Oh Bryan!! But wait, it's actually Kurt! Crap! Bryan tries to go for help, but the person he gets a ride with happens to be Tina Louise! Double Crap! Meanwhile, Nancy has escaped from the aliens, and is skulking around the hospital. Ron was not so lucky, and ends up sucked dry. Damn! Also, it turns out that the aliens mission deadline is almost up, so they're getting rushed. For some reason, they instruct the good ol' boys to hold the kids at their shop until they come for them for exsanguination or whatever. Later, Hank gets bored and decides to go have some fun with his prisoners. This is where the movie really starts to shine, as this last third of the film turns into a full-on grindhouse-esque sleazy torture picture. It doesn't hurt that Neville Brand looks like he should be the country cousin of uber-creepy Klaus Kinski. As you can see, this film has the distinct inability of knowing what kind of film it is. Is it a stalk-and-slash? An alien invasion? A torture show? You get the impression that if Mardi Rustam had simply been more focused, he might have pulled off a rather worthwhile, albiet nasty little film. As it stands, it's just a muddled and confused mess.

Rating I give Evils of the Night One Rotting Shambling Corpse out of Five.

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