DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL
1989
Directed by Alfonso Corona
A.K.A. Making sequels is fun AND easy!
PlotThis review was assigned to me for a game called "Viscious Cycle" (more on that later) on the B-Movie Message Board. Now, I Have never seen any of the other Deathstalker films (this is #3) before, and I don't think that really hurt me here. In the 80's, fantasy films were all the rage, perhaps as an offshoot of the wild success of the Star Wars films or the peplum-inspired conan flicks, perhaps as a reaction to the grim state of the world at the time. I don't know, I'm not an expert on fantasy flicks. But this was one of the later efforts of the eighties, and it shows. Anyways, the Deathstalker films were but three (four?) films of many to have the proud honor of claiming that Roger Corman produced them. Though he's not credited, his earmarks are all over this monster, including the marketing design of a kick-butt cover. And that brings us to the first thing I noticed with the film: The cover. It features a muscle-bound, swarthy-type readying for combat with a similar physiqued, green-skinned warrior rising off a concrete slab. At "Deathstalker"'s feet is a near naked busty woman with a knife. A massive battle is taking place over the parapets behind "Deathstalker".
Unfortunately, almost none of this has anything to do with the actual film. We open on what is apparently a renaissance festival, where Deathstalker is participating in "Medievil American Gladiators" and winning the joust competition with his giant q-tip. Deathstalker is significantly smaller than he appears on the cover. In fact, he's the sort of guy I'd expect to be the semi-handsome prince that recruits the real hero to help him rescue his true love from the villian. I'm not saying he's puny, but he's no Crimean if you know what I'm saying. we then meet Deathstalker's friend, Nicias. Nicias is apparently a wizard, because he has a long grey beard, wears a fur coat (presumably belonging to the wife of a producer) and spends his time at the fair doing parlor tricks and prophecizing crop harvests. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Hey, now here's a guy who must know the secrets of the universe. Well, sort of. After closing shop for the morning, he meets up with Princess A (honestly, I can't keep track of some of the nonsense names here.), who shows him this crystal rock-thingy, which Nicias reveals to be a stone of great power for good or evil when joined with its mate that happens to be at a castle to the south. Suddenly, a bunch of black knights storm the fair and start killing people for no reason other than they're a-holes. Their leader is a man whose helmet has silly bat wings on the sides that had me laughing for five straight minutes. Hard. My wife as well. Later, when he takes off his face plate, he resembles Tommy Chong, so from hence forth, he shall be known as Bat-Chong. In the ensuing struggle, Nicias vanishes in a puff of smoke, and Deathstalker pounds some heads in, before narrowly escaping with Princess A. Later, Deathstalker and the princess make camp, and she explains to him that when the stones are put together, they magically summon a kingdom of treasure that her people can live at. Deathstalker agrees to help for the sole purpose that Nicias was helping her. Meanwhile, we meet Bat-Chong's boss, the nefarious Troxartas, whose name often sounds more like "Truckasaurus". See, Truckasaurus is the guy with the other rock, and he plans on using them for evil, as he explains to his Evil Girlfriend. He then proceeds to his basement where a bunch of dead soldiers lie on slabs (WHY?) and proceeds to try to bring them back to life. Apparently his Tai Chi isn't good enough, because all it can do is make indoor thunder and lightning. The next morning, the good guys are ambushed by Bat-Chong's a-hole patrol. This is the greatest movie fight EVER. At one point Deathstalker hurls a guy off a cliff that wasn't there a moment before, and promptly vanishes afterwards. Another soldier has the bad luck to step into a snare trap that Deathstalker didn't set, and slam his head against a tree. Apparently Truckasaurus has some Jedi connections however, as one soldier suddenly kills Princess A by holding his flat palm about 6 inches away from her back. Deathstalker avenges her with a mean slap to the soldier's kidneys with the flat of his silver-painted wooden sword. As Princess A lies dying (and Deathstalker seems reasonably surprised and disgusted by the actual stage blood, the only occurance of it in this whole film,) she gives Deathstalker the stone and sends him on his way. He later runs into the campground of Princess B and her men (one of whom looks like a young Richard Kiel in my opinion.) Princess B looks alot like Princess A (because she's the same actress) only she's alot snootier. Apparently she's A's sister too, but that's far from obvious in this film. Deathstalker then makes her pretend she's making love to him to throw off the bad guys. This task apparently involves her taking off her top for no reason other than to make it an "R" rated movie. She then gets quite upset and lets everyone know it when she finds out that the "dagger" Deathstalker was using was really a little twig (If I had a dollar for every time that happened to me...) And Deathstalker is back on the run.
 Our hero next finds himself on a horse ranch, run by an amazon woman and her strangely accented daughter. He convinces them to let him spend the night there and buy a horse. What ensues is a riff on the classic "Farmer's Daughter" scenario: During a dinner sequence, the daughter is heavily flirting with Deathstalker, much to the consternation of the mother.
Me: I bet that top's coming off in less than five minutes.
My wife was right.
The next morning, the daughter sends Deathstalker off with a horse, much to the frustration of the guards and her mother. (Especially since he didn't pay, I gather). Next he runs into -SURPRISE- Princess B! The Princess, sans guards (the a-hole soldiers killed them out of frustration apparently,) decides to make camp with the stalker of death. She then explains that she's off to marry a handsome prince she never met so her kingdom can flourish. In other words, no sex for Deathstalker. Meanwhile, Truckasaurus is more excited than a kid at Christmas to discover that because the two stones are now so close, his fog machine activates. Oh, and "the warriors from hell" come to life too. He promptly puts them to work with his live soldiers. Yup, you heard me right, his big nefarious plan was cheap labor. The next morning, Princess B is going for a stroll, when she's accosted by two lecherous bandits. Suddenly in rides Trucky and his men, like Lawrence of Arabia (complete with outfit and everything,) and saves her patoot. Then, in an Ironic twist, it's revealed that HE'S the handsome prince she's to marry! (cue comedic sound effect.)
Later that night, Truckasaurus reveals to Evil Girlfriend that he's only marrying her to get the second stone, and once that's complete, she can kill her if she wants. Deathstalker attempts a daring rescue, but fails miserably. Not only does he get captured, but Princess B is led to believe that he killed Princess A, plus, Truckasaurus gets ahold of the other stone, only to reveal (dum, dum, dum...) THERE'S A THIRD STONE!! (BOO!!) After a not so daring escape from Evil Girlfriend's Dungeon o' Doom, Deathstalker is reunited with the Amazon Daughter, and befriends some of the warriors from hell (including one that Deathstalker himself originally killed,) who reveal that they're unwillingly under Truckasaurus's command because he keeps their souls in a jar. Meanwhile, Nicias magically appears in Truckasaurus's castle for no apparent reason, only to be immediately captured by the guards. Boy, for a lame villian, he sure does have good security. Nicias reveals to 'Saurus that he knows the location of the third stone, but is under a spell that keeps him from telling anyone where it is, even himself. That's why he spends his days determining goat fertility. (sure, that's the reason...) Truckasaurus is confident that he has the power to break the spell however...
Will he succeed? Will ther be an epic quest to find the third stone? Will Princess B get the wealthy kingdom she dreams of? WIll Deathstalker get the girl? Will the battle even try to make anymore sense? Here's a hint: No. |
RatingI give Deathstalker and the Warriors from hell:
Four Rotting Shambling Corpses out of five.
BAT-CHONG, SERVANT TO TRUCKASAURUS!!
awesome. |