Plot
My very watching of this film is a story in itself. Years ago, I had missed the opportunity to watch this as part of a film fest held by Osco Sean of Web of the Big Damn Spider. Telstarman, good buddy to Sean (and good friend to me) loaned me his copy. Considering it took me like, two years to watch the damn film says a lot for what kind of friend Telstar is. See, this movie is a treasure. Anywho, on with the synopsis. THe opening's a bit of a mess, unfortunately. Apparently, there's a tournament between a good Kung Fu clan and a bad one (sorry folks, I'm really not going to even bother trying to remember all the Chinese names bandied about) Basically, the good guys are trouncing the bad ones. The bad guys' tenth and final competitor is actually Japanese, and somehow convinces them that Seppeku after defeat is appropriate. Then he comes up against a tougher apponent, and is forced to do the same. Before he yanks out his guts, however, he issues a challenge to the good guys to try to take on his brother, who is sure to avenge him using his five elemental Ninja styles. He also does a dick-move, poisoning their top man in a non-fatal way, yet strongly enough to prevent him from fighting as well. So the leader of the clan calls forth his ten best fighters to pick up the gauntlet. The two best, Shao Ti (The only name I can remember) and a guy I'll call Awesome Dude (you'll find out why later) have to stay behind with him, because Ninja are sneaky, and may take the opportunity of the best fighters gone to attack. The other 8, including Shao's brother, are divided up into teams to go find and dispatch the five element ninjas, despite never having seen a real ninja before in their lives. What could go wrong?
- First element: Gold/Metal. (Well yes, Gold IS a periodic element, but that's not really where they were going with this I think) Our two heroes walk into a valley, and four ninjas in gold lame suits straight out of Mortal Kombat, complete with Raiden style beggar hats come out. Their glittery costumes blind the men, and then they shoot daggers from their hats, killing the men. Well, that was easy.
- Second element: Wood (wait, what?) Two more good guys are walking through the forest, when hands come out of the trees with spikes all over them. Quicker than you can say "Surrender Dorothy", they reach out and slash at the men. These guys, not being dopes, start fighting back. However, remember I did say that Ninjas were sneaky. A bunch of 'jas with gray-scale camoflauge ala Stormshadow from G. I. Joe jump down with big chain weapon thingies and quickly dispatch the guys.
- Third Element: Water (okay, now we're on track) Two dudes find themselves with a small lake with an island in the middle joined by bridges. They start crossing one. Chains fly out of the water, las their legs, and pull them in, where blue Ninjas jump out with harpoons and immediately stab them to death. Damn! Ninjas don't screw around!
- Fourth element: Fire. (okay, I got nothin) A lone dude is walking on a plain. He's not screwing around this time, so he calls out to the Ninjas to stop hiding already, and is greeted by bright red Ninjas. They start fighting him, using smoke flares and roman candles to confuse him. He was sent on his own, because he's a badass, and actually holds his own in the fight. Until, that is, he notices boobs under the fishnet vest of one of the ninjas! Curses-boob fu, the most deadly form of Marital Arts! Kunimitsu's (learning is fun, kids! ) distraction gives them the upper-hand and the dude ends up losing.
- Fifth Element: Earth (what, no Heart? Where's Captain Planet when we need him?) The last super kung fu dude enters a valley, and sees noone around. Suddenly, spears thrust out of the ground and start jabbing him in the gonads! He stabs at the ground, and brown Ninjas pop up to beat his keister. So does the head Ninja, who looks exactly like his brother. He ends up giving the killing blow himself, because he's evil like that.
We're only a half hour into the movie!!
Back at the base, upon discovering that all 8 of their warriors died, the good clan fortifies themselves with booby-traps. Meanwhile, the evil boss gloats with the Ninjas. They won't be content until they've killed the whole clan! Then they reveal their secret weapon: The lady ninja with the boobs! The next day, while on patrol, Shao and Awesome Dude run into a guy beating a girl up (guess which girl, and you get a coke) They rescue her, and despite Shao's misgivings, they take her in. It's obvious from the start that she actually likes Shao, but he doesn't seem to care. So she instead turns her affections on the far more welcoming A.D. She also spends her private time mapping out the base.
Unfortunately two well-trained men are still no match for an entire fricken army of badassed ninjas. Shao gets captured, and Awesome Dude gets impaled on the door the the bosses chambers, which get set on fire, killing the man inside. Man, he even dies awesome! When Shao wakes up, he's in some freaky-deaky Japanese bondage knot thingie. Lady Ninja tries to convince him that she loves him, but he cares about her even less now that she's killed all his friends and totally roofied his ass. After she leaves in a huff, he has a flashback to when he got a ninja lesson from a heretofore unmentioned hermit on how to get out of that very rope trick. (why is this the first we've heard of this?) After the Deus Ex Flashbackica, Shao takes Lady Ninja as a hostage to make his escape, and goes off to track down this Hermet fella. The boss ninja (who has now taken over the bad guy kung fu clan as well) punishes the girl. Because she's of the weaker sex, he spares her death, and instead sentences her to hard labor. How chivalrous. Shao, meanwhile, tracks down the old man, and joins his other three disciples in some crazy cool training montages. Because this is a Kung Fu flick, the four men become brothers. After becomming bad ass mofos, the four "ninjas" go off to kick some Japanese butt.
Oh yes, it's on now.
Jeezum Crow is this one heckuva Chop-socky film. The fights are fast and realistic, and of the hour and a half running time, only about 20 minutes are spent on dialogue. The rest is just shot after shot of guys trying to stab each other and/or kick each other in the face. But then, after all, isn't that why we watch Martial Arts films?
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