BATTLEFIELD BASEBALL

2003

Directed by Yudai Yamaguchi

A.K.A. GREATEST. SPORTS. MOVIE. EVER.

Plot I have a confession to make. I love goofy, stupid comedies. Movies like "Dude, where's my car?!" and "Pootie Tang" are my guilty pleasure. Imagine my surprise to find an Asian movie that fit right into that catagory. I knew it'd be something interesting when I saw the cover art, which is obviously parodying both "Versus" (written and directed by producer Ryuhei Kitamura) and "Ichi the Killer". The film begins with principal of Seido High, a man obessessed with the idea of coaching his school's baseball team all the way to the world championships. His team seems relatively good, too. But then the head teacher (the sub translation's words, not mine. I'm assuming it's equivalent to vice principal), and overall lacky to the principal informs him that this year, the first team Seido High is against in the preliminaries is a school called "Gedo High". The principal has seen them in action before, and is horrified. They're animals, using baseball as an excuse to legally kill (It's never really explained how that works, but just run with it...) Meanwhile, the team is practicing, unaware of their impending doom. The team star, "Gorilla", is frustratedly trying to help "four-eyes" (Seriously, that's his name.) to learn how to catch a ball properly. ("Go, go, Gorilla!" the cheerleaders shout). Ironically, this is the closest the film comes to actually showing baseball being played. Gorilla ends up knocking a ball over the bleachers, and sends Four-eyes off to get it. Unfortunately, it lands smack dab in the middle of the class-cutting drop-outs section of school (once again, best not to question things, such as why the drop-outs hang out AT SCHOOL.) Luckily, Four-Eyes is saved by the sudden appearance of Jubeh (Tak Sakaguchi, best known as the hero in "Versus",) the new and supposedly dangerous student at school, with his long hair and dirty uniform. Jubeh ends up getting into a "baseball battle" with the gang leader, Bancho (who looks about 40.) This involves Jubeh running straight at Bancho and dodging, while Bancho swings a bat at him. On the third strike Jubeh cleans Bancho's clock, and sends him flying. His victory is met with applause from the crowd that has gathered, including the principal and head teacher. Later, the principal approaches Jubeh to join the team, but he refuses. Suddenly, a deadly fast ball is chucked at them. Jubeh catches it, but doesn't recognize his assailent. Wait...is that Bancho? Apparently Jubeh's blows fixed an old arm injury of his, and now that he's fixed, he wants to be Jubeh's friend, plus he wants to join the baseball team! Apparently, since he changed his mind, he also changed his face! He's now finally age appropriate for high school, even. Nonetheless, Jubeh won't join the team. Later, Four-Eyes meets up with Jubeh and asks him why he hates baseball so much. Jubeh breaks into song, complete with rose tinting. He then explains his plight arhythmically, and in a tone-deaf voice, how he used to be so good at pitching that noone would play with him. His dad consoled him with a game of catch, but then we learn WHY noone wanted to play with him. Jubeh throws the ball so hard that he kills his own father. So now he avoids baseball, despite a burning desire to play. Four-Eyes then explains to him that he too feels pain towards Baseball. You see, his Mama is crazy against the game, and forbids him from having anything to do with baseball. Four-Eyes' passion for the game is unquenchable, however, and so he plays in secret, hiding his shame. This sympathy unites the two players, and Jubeh decides that he will play after all. From that day forth, the two are as brothers! Cue the applause from the audience that wasn't standing there a moment ago. And then, it's game time! But where's Jubeh? Apparently being the rebel he is, with long hair and a dirty uniform, landed him in jail. D'oh! Meanwhile, the Gedo High players enter the scene, and they look like extras from a George Romero flick, with green skin, and all sorts of bloody wounds. One of the players is actually a rubber skeleton! While the principal and some of the players search for Jubeh, Gorilla and the rest start the game. ("Go, Go, Gorilla!") Finding out that the game has started, they rush into the stadium, only to find body parts strewn across the field. They're too late! The only players left are Four-Eyes, Bancho, and the team captain, Koichi. The head teacher volunteers to play too, and it's collectively decided that Four-Eyes better sit this one out. The three members walk in slo-mo towards the camera, ready to become legends. ("Go, Go, Bancho!") Moments later, Jubeh arrives from his daring off-screen jail break to discover Bancho and the head teacher dead, and Koichi badly beaten. But what of Four-Eyes? Koichi weakly points, and Jubeh follows with his gaze to a limp body hanging from a pole. Jubeh grasps his dead brother in his arms, screaming vengance to the winds. Then he notices Four-Eyes in the dug-out, further down the line of sight, meekly waving. If that's Four-Eyes, then who's Jubeh hugging? A bomb! Jubeh get's blown all the way to heaven, where he meets his dad, who gives him a pep talk about using his pitch to save lives, then sends him back to earth. There, he convinces the principal that they must rematch Gedo High for the sake of the world. Cue the badly beaten applause of the crowd that walks quickly into the office. There's one problem. Four-Eyes' mother has him locked up (in a cage!) as punishment for playing baseball. Who does he think will come to his rescue anyways, some long-haired hero with a dirty uniform or something? Enter Jubeh. He fights Mama, and wins. He asks her why she hates baseball so much, and she responds in a rose-tinted off-key song. She explains how once, she had two sons. The older son loved baseball with a passion, but accidently killed his father with a super pitch, then ran away in shame. That's right, it's Jubeh. He and Four-Eyes really ARE brothers! Cue the crowd to come into Mama's kitchen with applause. Now she even lets Four-Eyes play. As they're preparing for battle, along comes a kid in a catcher's outfit. Wait...is that Bancho? Apparently he came back from the dead too. And since he's back in another life, he got another face. Well then, the team goes off to face Gedo High again. ("Go, Go, Jubeh!") The team consists of the remaining four players, Four-Eyes, Jubeh, Bancho, and Koichi, and nobody else-- But wait! The principal is willing to fight too, so now that makes them a team of five and-- But wait! Here comes Gorilla! Technology has brought him back as a cyborg! So now there's just the six of them and-- But wait! Here comes the head teacher! Technology has also brought him back...sort of. So now it's seven against-- But wait! Here comes Chabane! Who? Chabane, the head cheerleader, of course! ("Go, go, Chabane!") Now the eight of them-- But wait! Here comes Mama! She's not about to let her babys fight alone! OKAY THEN...now the nine of them are about to begin the battle to end all battles! Rubber skeletons will fly! Baseball bats will be pulled from who knows where! The crowd that wasn't there will randomly applaud! You know, my review isn't near as funny as the actual movie. You really should go out and rent it. And be amazed at the insanity. It's hilarious. It's great.

Rating I give Battlefield Baseball: Five Rotting shambling corpses out of five. You know, for a baseball movie, I was shocked at the lack of actual, you know, BASEBALL. Bah, I don't like sports films anyways.

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